"Hook Hand or How Are You?"
a Friendship Game by Lola & Krista
Here is a simple game to play with people you are not sure are your real friends or just emotional vampires that roam the earth hungry for the love they richly deserve but are unable to give to themselves and therefore must relentlessly seek from others, whose favors they will never be able to return. Obviously we all like to help out and give advice, but it’s important that you know when to go ride or die or when you should direct the person to next month, when your Help a Vampire! quota turns over. This can be tricky! We are here to help.
HOW TO PLAY
1. At the beginning of a conversation, first player holds a mental image of herself having been in a highly disfiguring freak accident about two weeks ago. For example, I (Lola) use getting hit by an ice cream truck driven by a golden retriever.
2. If the second player asks the first player how they are, what’s been up, or gives the first player the slightest opportunity to mention that they now have a hook for a hand, first player loses. If second player doesn’t ask, first player wins, and second player loses. Whether they lose the game or the right to first player’s time and energy is up to first player.
Recommended for playing only with suspected vampires, as even the most mortals may appear vampiric under extenuating crisis circumstances—breakups, job loss, etc. It is up to first player how many conversational rounds to play until the game is called. With an old friend who returns to ask for a big favor, only one round may be needed; for newer acquaintances where friendship terms are still being set, try best 3 out of 5.
i humbly propose the minimum standard of decency for even the chillest booty call be thus:
no behavior that would get a person fired from a summer job at the mall
- no call no show
- showing up visibly intoxicated
- excessive private personal phone use
- rude, uncouth, or inappropriate conduct
- lying (“if you call out with a sick grandma, don’t let me catch you at the beach”)
- failure to comply with posted safety procedures (h/t)